4 simple ways to boost your emotional intelligence at work

Words by Dr Audrey Tang

“You have more power if people like you” said James Hunt to Nikki Lauder in Rush

This is not only in one-to-one interactions, where you may wield more influence, but often the person to be promoted is the “…charismatic leader that motivates people [rather than]…the sharply intelligent person who rubs folks the wrong way now and then in pursuit of the truth.” writes Mary Faulkner (2018) in her blog Surviving Leadership.

Faulkner goes on to note that when leaders are liked their mistakes might be given “more grace”, they may have “higher close rates”, and it is easier to “influence and lead”.  However, she notes, charismatic James Hunt only won one championship, Nikki Lauder won three.

The likability of a leader, colleague, and person in general, in a similar way to physical attractiveness (like it or not) can imbue people with “The Halo Effect” (Thorndike) – a bias where if you are liked on initial meeting, you are also presumed to have other positive traits, and you are also more readily forgiven when things go wrong. 

While I can fully appreciate this is very much a game played at work – I do often tell my students “Hard Skills get you through the door; Soft Skills keep you in the job.” 

Of course I would always advocate working on the technical skills, one cannot (and ought not) rely on personality alone, but emotional intelligence certainly helps.

Emotional Intelligence may be defined as:

• The ability to recognise emotions and respond appropriately (in one’s own conduct as well as dealings with others)

• The ability to express and manage one’s emotions in an effective manner

• The ability to handle interactive relationships effectively

Salovey and Mayer expressed the definition as four levels of emotional intelligence:

• Emotional perception (recognising emotions)

• Emotional reasoning

• Emotional understanding (of the self and emotions of others)

• Emotional management (so that emotions are expressed effectively)

For Daniel Goleman, often seen as the “father of emotional intelligence, or EQ”, it is the above as applied to one’s self, to our interactions and to groups.

Here are 4 simple ways to boost your emotional intelligence – while not compromising your ability to do the job!

Emotional Perception

• Look at emojis and see how many emotions you can name.  Or simply brainstorm the amount of emotions and emotional nuance you can bring to mind.  The more ways in which we can express our emotions, the better we will be at recognising acute differences in how others present them, and if we can identify emotions effectively, we can better respond.  For example someone who is presenting as upset may be lonely or fearful or feeling rejected – recognising nuance, or having the courage to ask about what is really going on will mean your action or response is aimed at the root and will be more effective.

Related to this, if you have time and space to talk, never be afraid to ask someone to expand on their situation, and rather than offering a solution straight away, validate their feelings with something like “I’m sad you feel that way”, and ask them how best they think you can help. 

Too often we jump into problem solving mode, forgetting that our solutions may not suit the person, and sometimes, they just want a kind ear.

Emotional Reasoning

• For yourself, rather than taking something personally or too quickly at face value, ask yourself “is there a different way this could be interpreted”.  Remember that our own personal lived experience will often shape the narratives we tell ourselves and it may be that if we believe someone blanked us, then we might get angry with them, but the actual reason may be that they were too preoccupied to see us…which would open up a conversation about how they are doing, which a friend may really appreciate.  

Again, if you do think a behaviour was deliberate, raise the point casually, without judgment eg “I saw you the other day, and you totally looked past me – is everything ok?” rather than overthinking the situation which simply reinforces your negative feelings and does little to resolve anything.

Emotional understanding

• Try technique from Rational Emotive Therapy adapted a little by positive psychology – the ABCDE technique for helping us understand our emotions:

  • A – identify the activating event – or trigger to an emotional surge

  • B – identify what beliefs or behaviours naturally follow from that

  • C – reflect on the consequences of those beliefs or behaviours, especially if they are unhelpful

  • D – dispute that believe, or find a Different behaviour you could apply

  • E (from positive psychology) – engage with Energizers that help you move forward with the different behaviour/belief identified in D.  Energizers are ways in which we boost our positive emotions such as doing little things that make us feel good such as positive affirmations, or looking at photos of happy memories.

Emotional management

• The STOP technique from Dialectic Behaviour Therapy is very effective here:

  • STOP . If you recognise you are in an emotional cycle – just stop!

  • Take a step back – think about what you want the OUTCOME to be

  • Observe your environment or even your past experience for other options of behaviour

  • Proceed trying something new 

This helps you break a negative or vicious cycle.